Living Angst

We’ve been watching Star Trek with the kids, every episode.  We made it through the original series, the remastered blu-ray edition, and they enjoyed it.  Now we are watching Enterprise, which is better than I had remembered.  Tonight’s episode, A Night in Sickbay, Captain Archer’s pet beagle was deathly ill, he was sexually frustrated, and the Enterprise was falling apart.  I could relate to Archer’s frustration - I live this episode.

At one point he was climbing shelves and knocking over medical containers in a fruitless attempt to capture a bat in sick bay.  Every time T’Pol, played by the attractive Jolene Blalock, would approach him, he could only stutter Freudian slips.  The end result was facing humiliation by wearing some ridiculous garb and having his hair braided while performing a ceremony in apology for something he didn’t realize he had done wrong.  I think he apologized to pretty much everyone in this episode.

While Archer isn’t my favorite Starfleet captain, I experience this episode on so many levels, my wife kept looking over at me with a pitiful “I’m sorry” painted all over her beautiful face.  How many things can go so wrong in one day, in one week, in one life, before you start questioning whether or not you are even doing it right?

This is not a “woe is me” blog post.  I’m not looking for anyone’s pity, and don’t want to seem ungracious for the great support I’ve received.  I’ve got an amazing wife, great kids, a place to live, food to eat, friends to go to…all of the important stuff is more than covered.  But wow, does it seem to be a battle most days.  Between the job and the bills and the struggle of marriage and the balance of friends and marriage and family, and the total complete unmet potential of what I can be…it’s not easy.

I’m a true believer that nobody’s life is easy.  Nobody has enough money, or love, or friends, or whatever it is you strive for.  There are moments, great moments that we experience which supersede all and remind us that it’s worth the effort.  But everything else is life.

So for those days that are filled with broken toilet handles, jammed printers, sad songs at the wrong moment, text messages that friends don’t reply to, tailgating jerks, misunderstandings due to absolutely nobody’s fault, and writer’s block, I say fuck you.  I’m not giving up, but you better deal with my moments of frustration and ANGST as I fret through the little things and big things alike because I refuse to give in to the crap that’s handed to me day in and day out.